He could have given his life.

Jacuzzi. That was his only solace. Just before he stepped into the clear water gushing with bubbles, he looked into the mirror. But what he saw, was what no one else had seen. The symmetric face, bushy eyebrows, dry lips,  hazel eyes and  curly hair were just pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that he hadn’t solved yet. He had the innate ability to find vastness in everything. The face was an open sky of bursting life that had the good juxtaposed with bad and, likewise, the happy with sad and the beautiful with ugly. His bushy eyebrows were the  canopy of oak trees planted on each side of an endless road. The dry lips were the desert that anxiously awaits its first drop of rain for a millennium, just like he awaited his first kiss. The hazel eyes were filled with the depth of a gloomy ocean. And the hair was the flock of birds that soared high in the sky of life and breathed of freedom. But with all these infinities combined he couldn’t understand what greater infinity was he, nor would he ever. After stripping himself of every clothing, he splashed his toes in the warm water. When he finally felt the smooth ceramic of the tub touch his posterior and the gentle waves of the Jacuzzi caress his chest and thighs, a sudden stroke of relaxation crept up his spine; he shivered with an orgasmic relief. Gently, he curled his head back and saw the ceiling which was lit with the interplay of the shadows of the grape vine.

One of my works. Water color.

What could he have given to be different? His life. Ever since he came out , his life had been reduced to trips to counselors that touted they could make him ‘normal’ again. After being in the closet for fifteen years, he realized that he had grown too big for the closet. But it was something he regretted. The revulsion, repulsion and solitude had already taken their toll on him. People in his life always expected something from him. But what he wanted was never in someone’s mind. All he wanted was to be loved, to be needed and to be looked after. His expectations were like a dark silhouette that followed him around. It was amusing that everyone said that he or she understands him, but only did he know that no one ever did. He gently rubbed the soapy water on his tanned arms and took a deep breath. He  immersed his head inside the clear water. Slowly and then all of a sudden, he opened his eyes. Waves of water rushing past his eyes, the smell of lavender that seemingly assimilated on his skin and the sound of air pumps that now sounded like a sweet lullaby. The ceiling started to glow like stars, which had come together to witness an event.

He popped his nose out of the water. He thought about the shiny razor that he had stolen from his mothers drawer. That very razor which had slipped into his hands. And then in one strike, the stars that had accumulated to witness it had turned red. The smell of lavender faded away as the smell of sweet death replaced it. There, he saw his world changing. The last infinity of all. The end of a dark endless night with the beginning of a new dimensionless journey.

But then he had said that he could have given his life to be different.

Many studies reveal that almost all homosexuals have suicidal thoughts or suffer through depression at some point in their lives. The expectations of society take a heavy toll on the mental health of homosexuals. I hope we learn from this and try to make the world easier for those who are different from us.