He could have given his life.

Jacuzzi. That was his only solace. Just before he stepped into the clear water gushing with bubbles, he looked into the mirror. But what he saw, was what no one else had seen. The symmetric face, bushy eyebrows, dry lips,  hazel eyes and  curly hair were just pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that he hadn’t solved yet. He had the innate ability to find vastness in everything. The face was an open sky of bursting life that had the good juxtaposed with bad and, likewise, the happy with sad and the beautiful with ugly. His bushy eyebrows were the  canopy of oak trees planted on each side of an endless road. The dry lips were the desert that anxiously awaits its first drop of rain for a millennium, just like he awaited his first kiss. The hazel eyes were filled with the depth of a gloomy ocean. And the hair was the flock of birds that soared high in the sky of life and breathed of freedom. But with all these infinities combined he couldn’t understand what greater infinity was he, nor would he ever. After stripping himself of every clothing, he splashed his toes in the warm water. When he finally felt the smooth ceramic of the tub touch his posterior and the gentle waves of the Jacuzzi caress his chest and thighs, a sudden stroke of relaxation crept up his spine; he shivered with an orgasmic relief. Gently, he curled his head back and saw the ceiling which was lit with the interplay of the shadows of the grape vine.

One of my works. Water color.

What could he have given to be different? His life. Ever since he came out , his life had been reduced to trips to counselors that touted they could make him ‘normal’ again. After being in the closet for fifteen years, he realized that he had grown too big for the closet. But it was something he regretted. The revulsion, repulsion and solitude had already taken their toll on him. People in his life always expected something from him. But what he wanted was never in someone’s mind. All he wanted was to be loved, to be needed and to be looked after. His expectations were like a dark silhouette that followed him around. It was amusing that everyone said that he or she understands him, but only did he know that no one ever did. He gently rubbed the soapy water on his tanned arms and took a deep breath. He  immersed his head inside the clear water. Slowly and then all of a sudden, he opened his eyes. Waves of water rushing past his eyes, the smell of lavender that seemingly assimilated on his skin and the sound of air pumps that now sounded like a sweet lullaby. The ceiling started to glow like stars, which had come together to witness an event.

He popped his nose out of the water. He thought about the shiny razor that he had stolen from his mothers drawer. That very razor which had slipped into his hands. And then in one strike, the stars that had accumulated to witness it had turned red. The smell of lavender faded away as the smell of sweet death replaced it. There, he saw his world changing. The last infinity of all. The end of a dark endless night with the beginning of a new dimensionless journey.

But then he had said that he could have given his life to be different.

Many studies reveal that almost all homosexuals have suicidal thoughts or suffer through depression at some point in their lives. The expectations of society take a heavy toll on the mental health of homosexuals. I hope we learn from this and try to make the world easier for those who are different from us. 

The latent fear of change.

I rest my chin on the window of the car. The October wind reminds me of the cold that is just about to set in. My hands reach out to catch the gushing air in fists. The street lights ,which out shined the stars, seemed to sway as the night progressed. The canopies of trees ,along with their elaborate interplay with the streets’ illumination, started to hang lower as if trying to reach my hands. The night was silent, yet young in Lutyens’ Delhi. For once, the noise had suspended itself and let in the melody of silence into my being. The fragrant air assimilated all my worries. I closed my eyes and felt a light reach my soul. Delhi surprised me; she always seemed to lay motionless at night. Even so, empty streets were filled in by the gentle embrace of nature at night. Perhaps, nature’s embrace was more visible when the cacophony of life was seeped away. There I was, amidst my cocoon of contemplation.The silence broke and the car halted at a signal. I started to retrieve my senses. I glanced furtively at my sister who sat beside me. She seemed to take a nap. At my father, who was concentrating on the road and my mother who ,too, seemed feel the embrace of Delhi. My fear crept back. I couldn’t hold it any longer. What if it were all to change? What if a few years from now, things would be different? What if I change? What if everything I see changes? But the motion of the car came to my rescue, and all the worries were yet again borrowed away by gentle autumn breeze.

Change is what governs life. Without change our lives would feel like the same song replayed in a never-ending tape. All of us know that without change, we wouldn’t move ahead in our lives. It was change that gave us strength to pass the days and feel alive. But what if we didn’t want something to change? What if an experience was so pure that you’d want to live in that moment forever after?

Things are destined to change. But some things are best unchanged. Was it that the changes in my life would end everything that I ever cherished? The peace, the calm and the warmth of a drive down Lutyens’ Delhi at night. Were it all to change with time? My conscience wasn’t ready accept it. Without the things that I didn’t want to change, my life would feel incomplete. But what troubled me the most was that changes are beyond my control. They are the fruits of time and destiny. The changes were at the hands of a greater power, of which we all are slaves.

That said, would I have to let go of the things that were beyond my control? Is it that I’d have to give up on all the things,which I want to hold back closer to myself, sometime in future. Neither was I willing to stagnate at one point. But again a cursory glance at my surrounding from the spot that I relish the most at night in our car, reminds me of the things that I’d have to leave behind in the long run. My conscience woke up to a realization. All this time, the calm and peace around me wasn’t an experience that could be materialized. It was rather an abstract state of being. The satisfaction that I attained wasn’t because of the presence of whom I loved or the fragrance of nature, either. It was the emotion that the experience evoked, which wasn’t a subject to change; those emotions were eternal. The feelings of joy, calm and happiness. Those were the things that would stand the ravages of time and still remain unadulterated. Glancing at a distance from the window, I now knew that my hidden fear of change wasn’t something to be scared of. For the bliss that I attain in the moments I cherish, will remain a part of what I am and what I aspire to be.

I know that it is excruciatingly painful to part from the glimpses of the past, but it is far more difficult to let go of the present. Every time the clear glass slides up and disconnects me from my world of thought, it seems evident that change wasn’t what I feared the most, rather losing the ability to change myself in this dynamic world seemed daunting. But for the little time we all have, lets just forget about the inevitable changes and carpe diem.